Giving up vs. Surrender

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Sheri

There are two things that come pretty naturally to me – trying to control and simply giving up. There is one thing that is better, but harder for me to get to, and that is surrender.

It’s been a little over six months since Mister was placed in the program that quite honestly ~~was~~ is his last, best and most hopeful chance to get some things worked out, change some thinking patterns, and find healing and renewal. But he hasn’t responded in the way we had hoped and prayed that he would. He is responding in very old, familiar and unhealthy and ways.

About a month ago, after FINALLY being on the cusp of some forward movement in the program, he was involved in something very serious, something that moved him backwards in a big way. As I listened to what happened, I felt a little numb. I prayed. I cried. I talked it out with a very small circle and then I prayed some more.

There was a meeting that was to take place a few days after the incident and I was hopeful that a humble and contrite Mister would show up at that meeting. I was hopeful that this was his rock bottom and that he would begin to look up. I prayed. I asked others to pray. I even fasted for the first time ever in my life. I begged God (again) to life the weight, remove the scales, bring the light. Then I waited for the call that would bring me news of the meeting.

The meeting didn’t go well. In fact, in the weeks that have followed, there have been more concerns, behaviors and attitudes.

It’s just so frustrating. And it makes me sad. A new and positive life awaits this boy who has been through so much, but it’s just so hard for this one to step into the promised land. As soon as he sees that it might be within reach, he turns and runs for Egypt, shooting darts at those who pursue him.

There have been whispers in my head that say:
He’ll never change.
It’s been seven years, really, he’s never going to change.
Just. give. up.

Seven years ago I believed that love, the right environment, prayer, support and community would be enough to buff out what this boy has been through. It wasn’t. We added counseling, mentors, more prayer, church camps, systems, structure, and sports. It still wasn’t enough. And now this, a program away from our family, but run by people who are near to our family – sometimes things happen that we cannot explain except to say, “God has provided.” Yet, six months and one week into this program, his actions and responses reflect that his heart is still hard.

My heart has been going through its own process since “the incident”. I’ve been discouraged, disheartened, mad at God for not swooping down and shoving his Holy Spirit into this child! (I know, I know, God doesn’t shove anything on anybody, so there you see reflected my desire for control!) I’ve been weary in the seven year wait for the heart and mind of our dearly loved Mister to be softened and turned. I’ve been tempted by the whisper that yearns for me to believe that he will never change.

But I’ve been reminded that seven years, though terribly long for us (especially in our instant society), is not 40 years (desert) or 400 years (Egypt). I’ve quieted the lie that says he will never change, with the truth that he absolutely can change. I’ve come to believe, with all that I am, that God will do something amazing during Mister’s time in the program. Here’s why I believe that – because it doesn’t make sense. I don’t see how, I don’t see when.

I have completely surrendered Mister to God. For seven years, with many friends, family and church community help, we have carried the mat, we have torn off the roof, and now, I have laid my portion of the mat down before the healer.

So my reply to the lies whispered in the darkness…
He will.
I know, he will.
I won’t.

Like!

Do you miss him?

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Sheri

It’s been 10 weeks since we enrolled Kyler in a program away from our family, with the goal and hope that he will grow in self-esteem, self-control and move towards healing from his past. When Kyler left, things were pretty chaotic with him, and had been for several months. The counselor who works with him asked us early on if we missed him, I told him the truth – that I was appreciating the calm and peace within our home, as well as the extra space in my mind to focus on other things. He told me we would get to a place where we would begin to miss him…I wasn’t sure I believed that. (I know, ugly, but true.)

Then it happened. We were away for Christmas and as we visited an old western town I was seeing parts of it through his eyes, realizing how much he would have enjoyed it. One day we climbed a mountain – literally – we climbed a mountain, and I knew he would have been excited to do that. I wished he could have been with us, it would have been a good and solid deposit in his “good memories” and “family” accounts.

But I also understand these good experiences wouldn’t have changed him. He would have enjoyed them, just like he enjoyed South Dakota, Kansas, South Carolina vacations and countless trips to Minnesota. He’s had a lot of good deposits, but they seem to slip right through, seeming to leave no balance. He would have enjoyed it, but he still would have come home angry and detached.

After 10 weeks of reports indicating Kyler was daily making very poor decisions in the program, we received a good report the week of Christmas. We read that he actually independently adjusted his behavior to be a part of a group – this is really, really good news.

I do miss our guy. It didn’t take long for me to look forward to our weekly phone calls, and I appreciate the opportunity to email him each week. But in all of this, I also trust that he is in the right place, at the right time, for the right reasons. I am hopeful that there will be a time when deposits are made and actually create a balance within him. In my mind’s eye there will come a time when I will be able to wrap my arms around him, and he will feel it, and it will sink in beneath his skin.

Until that day, I will hold him in my prayers. I will trust that God will grow the seeds that I believe have been planted. I will believe there will be a day when peace and calm will come from within him. I will believe that he can climb this mountain.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Like!

An Update

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Sheri

It’s been three weeks since our new season began, and several of you have asked to keep you as updated as much as we feel we can during this season. Below is an update in a Q & A type format using the questions we have received over the past few weeks.

Do you get updates?
Yes, we receive weekly reports on school, house, special events and a counselor report. They took a day trip last weekend and six pictures were sent to us via email – he was in all of them. We also receive a weekly phone call from the counselor that meets with him. I’m happy with the level of communication we have received thus far.

Do you get to talk to him?
Although he hasn’t yet moved to the level of privileges that include receiving calls from us, he was allowed a 30 minute call on his birthday. It was good to hear his voice and I appreciated that I was able to ask him about things I had seen in the pictures, it made us feel a connection despite the distance. We also receive a weekly email from him and we can email him back weekly.

How is he doing?
It sounds like he is doing well academically, is learning Spanish, is going to church ~ he said it reminds him of our church here at home, which he likes. He described his daily routine, told us there is dog in the house in which he lives, and said he is working on his anger. He said he misses us, and told us he loved us too when we hung up. He is appearing to struggle in his new environment with the same things he struggled with here at home; we remain confident he is at the right place at the right time.

How are you doing?
We are doing fine. The first week was really hard, lots of emotion. But peace has settled into our hearts and into our home. I began to realize last week that when you always feel a little (or a lot, depending on the day) stressed, you act, and react, from a more tightly wound place. I’m feeling more like myself, laughing more easily and appreciating the extra space in my thought life that isn’t being taken up with drama and chaos. The other day Kevin was going to look at cars and thought he would take Mister, but then realized he could not. Erin is appreciating the quiet in our home – but the other night thanked God for bringing Mister back to us and also thanked God for this new help that he is receiving.

Can I send him a note or a package?
Some of you are very close to us (friends and family) and have established relationships with our son, but for now, we can send notes and packages, you cannot. Thank you for caring for him and for us, thank you for supporting him. Your best “note” right now would be your prayers delivered straight to the One who is looking over him while he is away.

Thank you for your encouraging words, prayers and support. We are a very blessed family.

Like!

A New Season

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Sheri

From the very first post of Mother of the WHAT?! I said I would be authentic, in fact, the subtitle of this blog is True Tales of an Ordinary Mom. I’m here today to share the truth about something that has been a hard, but real part of our lives as parents. Last week we enrolled our youngest in a program – away from us – where we believe he will get some additional help and guidance, some healing and direction, and some hope for his future.

I am sharing this for three reasons:

1) I write here for others and in that writing, I share the truth – which is sometimes good, touching, funny, embarrassing, boring but sometimes hard, and sometimes – it leaves me vulnerable.

2) Our child will likely be in this program for a year, I’m not going to pretend in my writing that he is here during this time when he is not.

3) I am sharing because a decision like this doesn’t happen for most parents, but when it does, it feels heavy, and you feel alone, and sometimes a little defensive of your decision. It also might feel embarrassing or even humiliating, but I don’t believe it has to feel this way. So, if you are in a situation like this, or know of someone who is, let’s lift the veil and talk about it.

This wasn’t a decision we made lightly, I can’t imagine that anyone enters into a decision like this easily. There are some that will (and have) questioned our decision, and there will likely be some who talk behind our backs, but we invite those discussions or questions to come to us; we are confident in our decision, we are fighting for the heart of our child, and we are not ashamed of that.

Its been difficult for a very long time. As he gets older, the consequences for some of his choices are beginning to fall outside of our parenting. His past has tweaked the way he thinks and reacts, and we needed to get him more help than we are equipped to give him. But maybe, just maybe, we have been equipped…to release him…for this period.

This week I have cried, felt relief, had peace, cried some more, felt light, felt heavy, and been confident. But most of all, I have trusted in the Lord, that he who began a good work in this boy will continue to work to bring it to completion…

I am encouraged by this season. It will look different, it will feel different, and I have a belief that ultimately it will be refreshing and beautiful for each of us.

I wrote over at Moms.FortWayne.com about this as well…you can read that here.

Like!

Sometimes it’s Hard being a Mean Mom

Posted on September 25, 2012 by Sheri

Getting real….

Today at 4:35 I walked into the middle school and tapped my youngest on the shoulder. He was standing in line at a cross country team pasta dinner, I told him he was not staying, he was coming home. I went over to the coach to let her know he was leaving, that he had failed to tell me about the dinner, and I wasn’t going to sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes waiting. (Especially since I had done this once and made it clear if he failed to tell me again about a pasta dinner that I would come into the cafeteria and get him. This boy should know by now that he can trust me to follow through.)

Friday night at 10:00 pm as he went to bed we asked him what time he needed to be at school in the morning for his cross country meet. He had no idea. He said he didn’t know where he put the paper. Of course. It’s been the same story each and every week all season. Thursday he didn’t go to the evening practice; when I suddenly realized we should have left 30 minutes earlier – he told me he knew that but believes it’s my job to get him there. Well….he will be 15 years old in just over a month and we’ve been working on personal responsibility for years now, let me be clear, it’s not my job to be responsible for him in that way.

But back to Friday night, I eventually told him the time that we needed to leave (I happened to see the paper earlier in the week on his floor) and told him he MUST get up independently and be ready to go in the morning – every other Saturday morning meet we’ve had to get him up. We were very clear, get up independently and we will do our part and get him to school on time, or don’t get up and miss the meet. Personal responsibility.

He didn’t get up.
He missed the meet.

There is much, much push back from him – every time I turn around. He is to fill out his assignment book and bring it home daily. He does not. We give consequences, but they don’t seem to impact him. He, like the other kids, have daily chores, he doesn’t do them, so he doesn’t get his monthly budget, he doesn’t seem to care. He states he doesnt like our rules, doesn’t want to be confronted with his wrong choices, and has asked us to un-adopt him so he can go back into foster care. Fortunately for him, he can trust us to do what we say, and we said he was ours when we adopted him almost three years ago.

I wanted the coach to understand why I pulled him from the dinner tonight, but that would take too long and she doesn’t really need to care about that. She needs to do her job and I need to do mine…and sometimes mine is hard.

Like!