Category Archives: Home for the Summer

Coming Home for the Summer

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Believe it or not, it’s finals week for Courtney. In many ways it seems as if we were just delivering her back to campus for her sophomore year, and now it’s just about over. Lightening speed for me – the one who did not attend all those classes, endure endless lectures and labs, as well as grueling assignments, papers and exams.

I am feeling blessed beyond expectation because she is coming home once again for the summer. We had thought it likely that she would be elsewhere for an internship, but she received an internship, within her field, right here in our town. I get the opportunity to spend another summer with my daughter!! It’s amazing how happy this makes me.

This parenting thing is funny ~ it’s ever changing. Obviously we are in transition in our parenting of her. We do not now, nor will we next week, parent her in the same manner in which we parent Zach (17) or Erin (14). But we do, and will, still parent her during this phase.

What does that look like now? Not a rhetorical question. I’m really wondering. She will be twenty next month. She is smarter than me to be sure (seriously, she’s studying to be a Biological Engineer, I failed 10th grade math). She knows more than me in several arenas, and certainly is more “relevant” than me when it comes to current culture.

One thing I do have is more wisdom gained from more life experience. But this will only mean something if we continue to grow our more adult, parent-child relationship. I believe it is within the continued & growing relationship where opportunities to impart some of that life wisdom can take place.

I wrote here about her coming home for the summer last year and what I did to prepare. And now I am keenly aware that she has had the better part of yet another year to live “independently” (I put it like that because the truth is we mostly fund this independence). The point that matters is that she has been making her own decisions about daily life – without a parent holding her accountable or telling her to get more sleep. Which is part of the growing up process – which is good and keeps her on track to actually grow up and be an adult that contributes to society. Remember, I am not raising kids, I’m raising future adults. I believe she is exactly on track…and the truth is, I’ve not been down this stretch of track before.

It’s constantly new terrain with our oldest children. Poor them…and quite honestly, poor us. So what I will do in these next few days before she comes home is pick up my copy of “You’re Wearing That?” by Deborah Tannen.  I will go straight to Chapter 9 Blending Intimacy and Independence: New Ways of Talking. I will look for some of that wisdom and life experience that I don’t yet have. I will seek out women whose core and family values are similar to mine and I will ask them to meet me for coffee. I will wash her sheets, tuck a welcome home note under her pillow, brace myself for the piles of stuff that will cover my living room for days, draw close to her and give her room. I will be overjoyed to simply look at her across the room. I will be happy for this time with my oldest child, who sits perched on the edge of the nest, trying her wings.

Last year Courtney and I wrote a five part series called Home for the Summer – you can read that here.

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5 Things I Appreciated about My Parents this Summer

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There were a lot of things I appreciated about being home for the summer – the calm atmosphere, being able to hang out with my siblings whenever I wanted, and of course the delicious meals. Some things, however, I knew that my parents worked on to make sure that I enjoyed being home. Some of these things were:

1) They let me be independent about maintaining my things.
It’s common knowledge to those who know me that I am not necessarily the neatest person alive. As my mom mentioned earlier, I initially left my dorm stuff all over the living room… for days. I did appreciate that she didn’t mention it at first, and by the time she did finally tell me to do something about it, the advice was well-deserved. Throughout the summer, she didn’t once tell me to clean my room (that was Erin, who lives in there too). I appreciated the acknowledgement that I was old enough to take care of my own stuff. (Erin might disagree).

2) They didn’t put me on the chore chart.
As simple as this one was (and much to my siblings’ chagrin), I thought this one meant a lot. I wasn’t just mooching around the house all day – I had a full-time internship- so this gesture of “I know you’re working” made me feel respected. In turn, I was willing to help around the house when it looked like it would help a little bit. Not that our house is ever dirty, mom!  :)

3) They showed me they were happy I was there.
The entire summer, my family made me feel loved in different ways. They told me they were happy to have me home; they took me out to lunch or dinner; they wanted to go on walks or to the mall or to go get ice cream; and they spent time with me. It was so nice to spend so much time with them after virtually 9 months away from them!

4) They also gave me space.
As much time as they spent with me, I think they were also careful that it didn’t seem like they were monopolizing my time. I never felt like I couldn’t ask to go hang out with friends – they were very permissive in letting me go out or invite people over. I also never felt like I never had time to just be alone, and they were very clear that I was able to make choices in which activities I wanted to go to.

5) They trusted me.
Rather than worrying what a year of college had done to me or my values, they trusted the responsibility I had gained. This was evident in big and small ways. They let me go visit friends at IU for a weekend, and when Phil and I wanted to go to Chain O’Lakes for the day, they waved us off with a cooler and towels. This wasn’t lost on me – I realized that they trusted me (and him) to go where we said we were going and come back when we said we would, and we lived up to their trust.

This summer took work on both ends – my end, and my mom’s end. (And of course my dad’s end too, but this is my mom’s blog.) I think it worked out wonderfully – I had a great time with family, with friends, at my internship, and now I’m back to college, full from my summer break. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for putting such effort into making my homecoming as smooth as possible.

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Home for the Summer ~ 5 Things I Appreciated about My Daughter

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One of the things about being a mom is that we never seem to stop encountering new terrain. Having never been in this territory (having my college daughter home for the summer) before, I didn’t really know what to expect. Here are a few things about Courtney that I really appreciated:

  • She seemed genuinely happy to be home. I didn’t know how much she would appreciate once again living with rules and expectations, but she seemed happy, she smiled lots, was generous with hugs and lavished time on each of us.
  • I really appreciated that she checked in constantly. Many times, before she even made plans, she checked to see if there were conflicting family plans….or what the dinner plan was – there were a few favorite dinners that she didn’t seem to want to miss. She took very little for granted and was so respectful.
  • This seems really simple, but I really appreciated when Courtney would “treat” us. One treat was truffles from DeBrand for us. (If you are local, you know how awesome that was – and that it didn’t come cheap.) As parents we are used to picking up the tab for everything, this was a heartwarming gesture that meant a lot to me.
  • I appreciated that at the end of the summer, after saving all her paychecks, she came to me and asked for help with setting up a new budget for the upcoming school year. As much as she is growing up and becoming independent, she isn’t afraid to let me know she still needs my help sometimes.
  •  The relationships that Courtney has with Erin and Zach have always been special. This summer, those relationships were as strong as ever. I LOVED seeing them together. I love that although she is moving more and more into the adult world, she hasn’t left them behind. I am thankful for the time she continues to pour into them ~ whether it was shopping, ice-cream runs, late-nights in the basement, sitting at softball games, or jumping on the trampoline, I appreciate how well she loves her sister and brother. She also took time for Kyler, she invested in him when it wasn’t always easy. I appreciated the grace she showed him this summer. I love her heart for him.

Its my first time entering this stage of parenting ~ the one where she’s less child, more adult. I am finding that appreciating her more is important. I get along with other adults where there is mutual appreciation, and so as our relationship grows, this must become a part of our growth. She is still my child, but she isn’t a child any longer. I am learning to not say things like  “You’re wearing that?” and I am learning its important to say things like, “Thank you”, “I appreciate that” and “I’m so proud of you”.

I am sure there are things I did that she didn’t appreciate, I am certain I didn’t always express patience, but I did what I could, and that was to be aware of, and intentional in, our time together this past summer. I appreciated every minute in which she was a part. I really did.

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5 Ways I Was Intentional About My Summer at Home

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As my mom has already said, she thought about how best to approach this summer before I even came home from school. I didn’t approach it quite that way… I was so focused on final exams that it didn’t even really hit me that I was actually going home until the morning my family was on their way to get me and I was frantically packing up my room! I kind of went with the flow, but there were a few things I made sure to do:

1)   I made sure to respect my family’s routines.
Even in the summer, I know my family has certain routines. They eat dinner together most nights, or at least everyone who is at home eats together, and they don’t go to bed ridiculously late. I wanted them to know I still respected these routines, so before I left to go somewhere, I always asked what time dinner was. I knew I didn’t necessarily have to come back and eat, but I did want to make sure they knew I kept the family dinners in mind and I cared about it enough to have it as an option. In those first weeks before I started my full-time internship and my sleep schedule was still way off (midnight was just too early to even think about going to sleep!) I made sure to do something quiet like watching TV or messing around on my computer.

2)   I let my parents know where I was.
Continuing on the “respect” note, before I left to go anywhere, I always let someone know where I was going and how long I expected to be there, without them asking. If I wanted to go somewhere after work, I would text my mom and let her know what was going on. On the few occasions my parents asked me to be home at a specific time, I made sure I was home at that time, because they had shown such respect about my own schedule.

3)   I spent time with everyone in my family.
I had expected to have a job away from home this summer, so when I got an internship position that actually allowed me to live at home, I was thrilled. I was also aware that this just may be my last summer at home, so I tried to make the best of my time by spending time with everyone in my family. My dad and I (and sometimes my mom!) would get up in the morning before work to go on a bike ride or get bagels. I sat on the patio and got dinner with my mom, took Erin out for ice cream, chatted with Kyler, and tried to look like I was paying attention when Zach talked about football stats. (Just kidding Zach.)  Actually Zach and I hung out in the basement, talked about school, and I made fun of his model pictures in the Vera Bradley catalog, which he loved to hear. Oh how he missed me while I was gone.

4)   I helped out, willingly, when asked or when I thought I should.
I was not on the chore chart this summer (score!) so I was extra willing to help out around the house whenever I was asked. Sometimes (probably not very often, I will admit) I saw dishes in the strainer and put them away, or loaded a few dishes in the dishwasher, or wiped the counters without being asked, but for the most part I just helped out when asked. It was the least I could do!

5)   I remained a member of the family.
This was a big one for me – I wanted to make sure I was conveying that yes, I had just spent 9 months living “independently,” but I was still a part of our family and therefore I participated in the family’s activities. I stayed home when we did mini bible-studies, if I knew we were having a good dinner, or if we were planning on going to the movies or something. I went to church with the family every Sunday. I wasn’t out of the house every chance I got – it seemed pretty obvious to me that I wasn’t just staying with my parents for a while until school started again, I was back living at home for the summer after school ended. Therefore, I participated in the things my family did.

Being home this summer was really an unexpected blessing and I wanted to make the best of it by being aware of how I approached it.  Respecting my family, and being grateful for the respect I received, helped shape my actions this summer, and because of that (and of course our awesome family vacation and the time I got to spend with my Fort Wayne friends), I can confidently say it was the best summer I’ve ever had!
Home for the Summer Series ~ Introduction, Part 1

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7 Ways I was Intentional with My College Girl this Summer

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Before Courtney even arrived home for the summer I thought a lot about the fact that she had been living on her own (well in a dorm, but you know what I mean) for nine months. This seemed significant to remember. I knew it was the window I would need to view our summer through. With that in mind, here are seven things I was intentional about as we walked through this past summer…

  • First of all, I didn’t become frustrated by ALL of her stuff ALL over the living room…for days on end. (This was big for me.) Her stuff had made its way from the back of the van to the middle of the living room. Although I was literally climbing over piles, it meant she was home. On day five, I did however tell her it was time to contain the chaos in her own room.
  • I didn’t expect her home for dinner every evening. I would tell her what time we were having dinner and give her the freedom to join us…or not. This seemed like a simple but important way to begin. Most nights she had dinner with us, but I was aware that she had friends, as well as a boyfriend, who may want to have dinner with her too.
  •  I spent time with her. I was keenly aware that this time was precious. In fact, we anticipated her not being home this summer. Courtney had applied for a co-op that was out of town and when that didn’t pan out I felt like I had received an amazing gift of time with her. So, we took walks, sat on the patio, went to dinner, sat on the couch, went for ice-cream, watched Say Yes to the Dress and more! I hugged her a lot…because I could. We spent time together so our relationship had the opportunity to continue growing in a new way. Sometimes I tucked her in after she was in bed and kissed her forehead…again because I could. I knew my days of having an opportunity to “tuck her in” were limited.
  • I didn’t expect her  home at a certain time. (OK, I secretly did, but I didn’t communicate this to her.) She worked full time and was pretty great about getting to bed at a reasonable hour, as well as responsible to be up and out the door on time each morning for her job. I do remember one night though; it was getting pretty late and I thought she should be home. (It’s just a mom thing) I reminded myself that when she was living in the dorm, no one was telling her it was time to come home, and I remembered that she was responsible. I sent her a text to tell her that I was going to bed and that I hoped she had a fun evening. Then I went to bed and fell asleep
  • I expected her to respect us, our routine, and our time. I expected her to let us know her plans and when she would and wouldn’t be home. In turn, I respected her, her schedule and her time as well. She had a full time job and so I didn’t put her back on the chore chart for the summer (possibly to her siblings dismay), but I did ask her to help out when there was a need. Handling it like that seemed more grown-up
  • I didn’t clean up after her or do her laundry. This one was a little hard on me, I like to do acts of service, but I knew if I did too much for her, I could become resentful, which would hurt our relationship.
  • When she asked to invite friends over, I said yes. When her boyfriend was over, we made him feel welcome (so much so that he set the table, helped clear the table and even helped her unloaded the dishwasher one evening). Sometimes it would have been easier to say no to having friends over (I’m not talking about you Phil, you were always easy to have around), but it was always richer to say yes.

I believe the most important thing I did – which really touched every aspect of our time together – was to simply remember that she was used to living independently and that times like this were not going to happen very much longer . I wanted her to enjoy her time with us, and want more of it; I didn’t want her counting the days until she left. I wanted her memories of her summer experience (and of us) to be pleasant. I wanted my memories of the summer to be pleasant, I didn’t want to have regrets.

It is important for Courtney to know she can trust us to grow with her. She is becoming the adult we had been aiming towards for nineteen years, (this is wonderful!!) and so I find myself eager to embrace her more grown-up self. I loved when she was an teeny-tiny baby and I could hold her endlessly, I can almost feel her skin and smell her aroma.  I loved it when she was a little girl and believed her daddy was strong enough to lift up a house. I even loved it when I saw her struggle for independence in those early teen years. And…I love it now. I believe the way I hold her today is just as significant as the way I held her as an infant, as she will learn much from how I embrace her.

Time with cousins this summer

Stop by on Monday when Courtney will share some of her thoughts on our summer!

This post is the second in a series of five. Read the first here.

 

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