Valentine’s Day

I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day – and I don’t even acknowledge Sweetest Day – what the heck is that all about? Hold on, let me Google that…

OK, I’m back – Sweetest Day, began around 1922 was originally intended to bring cheer and happiness to those who were often forgotten – the children in orphanages, the elderly in nursing homes, those stricken with illness. Of course that isn’t what is marketed to us, is it? No…there’s more money in marketing that as a romantic day….but I digress from Valentine’s Day.

As I look at the origins of Valentine’s Day, it’s a similar story in that we have commercialized it and moved it away from it’s roots. In the beginning it was about hand written notes that expressed feelings and emotions. I appreciate the history and enterprising spirit to begin to commercially create Valentine cards, but it’s my feeling that we’ve just gone too far.

Somewhere in the beginning of our marriage I got wind that Kevin was considering sending me roses on Valentine’s Day – it would have cost $80…and we were broke. I told him if he did that, I would be mad. So we made each other cards. I loved that.

Today we could afford the $80 roses, but I still don’t want them; at least not on Valentine’s Day. But $10 fresh flowers that he picks up on his way home – out of the blue – those mean something to me. Even the perfect card from him becomes more meaningful, and personal, when he adds a note. A card left behind when he travels, a date-night planned just for me, unexpectedly speaking words of encouragement into me – these are the things that keep me feeling romantic, not some extravagant gesture on a designated day.

Each year Kevin mentions something about Valentine’s Day, and most years what we do is write each other a note, make a card, or maybe even buy a card. This makes me happy. This year he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner on Thursday (Valentine’s Day), Friday or Saturday. I told him if he wanted to make dinner plans than he should ~ for whatever day he wanted; it honestly didn’t matter which day to me. Later he told me are going on Valentine’s Day to a very nice restaurant. I love the place he chose but we are spending way too much money…because the reservation is on Valentine’s Day. But, for this year, its OK, with him traveling a fair amount, I appreciate any time with him that is dedicated to us – even if it is on Valentine’s Day!

I believe many people feel a lot of pressure to experience something highly romantic on February 14. But I’m pretty sure it’s what you experience the other 364 days of the year that really matter.

(In full disclosure ~ I do give each of my kids a Valentine’s Day treat. I’ve made cookies, heart-shaped pizza, given little boxes of chocolates. I enjoy letting them know that I’m thinking of them with love. And who knows, they may have spouses one day that will expect a little more than me on Valentine’s Day, so at least they’ve been exposed to the traditions of the day!)

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Love Notes in my Pantry

My mother-in-law, Verona,  left twenty-six days ago. I miss her terribly. She was here in our home for ten days. Six of those days Kevin and I were in Utah and she was here cooking and running our kids around. She was also baking and reading and walking our dog. She was cleaning, taking naps and sitting at softball games. She was checking homework, helping with projects, loving our kids and being an amazing grandma, mom and mother-in-law.

I respect Verona a lot. She raised four kids, three of which were boys…one of those boys made her believe he would be an only child (this would be the one to which I am married). She is a mother-in-law to three women and one man, and I am constantly learning from her how to be a mother-in-law. She is a wonderful cook (many of the recipes I make are from her), she also has much order in her home. She is intelligent, a good friend, and much more.

I am always looking for others to help me in this journey of mine, knowing Verona would be here and working within my kitchen, I gave her free reign to reorganize anything she wanted. If she thought a different arrangement or system would serve me better, than I told her to please re-arrange or at least let me know what she thought when I returned.

I returned from Utah to children who felt loved and deeply cared for, cupcakes and muffins on my counter, cookies in my freezer, clean sheets on our bed, a completed puzzle on the dining room table, a basket-full of expired canned and boxed goods from the pantry and these notes on my pantry shelves:

Its been twenty-six days since she left and the notes remain still. Her handwriting in my pantry greets me each and every time I open that door, it tells me she was here ~ a little bit of her presence, love and care wash over me. We have lived many, many miles apart for nineteen of the twenty years I have been married to her son, and I am reminded how blessed I am, and how much I sometimes crave her presence in my life. When I grow up (even more than I am now) and am in her position as the mother-in-law, in many, many ways, I want to be just like her.

Is there a special way your mother-in-law touches your life?

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Kevin Steps in

As I write this, it is exactly one week from the day that Sheri will watch a mother be named American Mothers, Inc.’s 2011 Young Mother of the Year. We will no longer be able to refer to Sheri as THE Young Mother of the Year. We kid her that she will need to “give up her crown.” The reality is that there is no actual crown, and Sheri is even more humble about her abilities to parent today – especially when she compares herself to the other mothers in her network – than she was when she was named the 2010 Young Mother of the Year.

In honor of the passing of an age I decided to hijack Sheri’s blog and share the words I spoke at an event honoring Sheri this past year:

“Before I met Sheri I had a mental picture of what my wife would be like. She would be perfect in every way. Perfect hair, perfect face, perfect body, perfect judgment, always said the perfect thing at the perfect time – perfect, perfect, perfect. Then I met the Sheri, the woman I would befriend, fall in love with, marry – the woman with whom I would start a family. As it turned out, she was not perfect. However, it is in her imperfection that Sheri has become an incredible mother.

When our children were very young, Sheri recognized that she was not a perfect parent, so she sought help. She signed us up for parenting classes. She read books. She found mothers who had walked the parenthood path before she did and sought their council. She has taken every opportunity to learn to be a better mother.

Because she is not perfect, Sheri has made parenting mistakes and has learned from them. She has developed a set of experiences and tools that cover a wide variety of parenting issues. Mentoring younger mothers is a passion of Sheri’s. Since she has shared similar struggles, she is able to relate to young mothers’ challenges and is a very credible and sought after mentor.

And since Sheri has never been perfect, she has made mistakes in her life. Through those experiences she has been able to relate to our children’s struggles. She is able to anticipate trouble, and can speak to our kids from a place of empathy and compassion. They do not feel judged, they feel understood.

There is no better proof of this than the words of our eldest daughter written for a scholarship application prior to Sheri receiving the national title:

‘My mother’s wise advice, peaceful demeanor, and balanced life have not gone unnoticed, and she recently was nominated for the Young Mother of the Year award. She is currently Indiana’s nominee for Young Mother of the Year. This acknowledgment is something of a joke in our family, as my mother would never seek attention or reward for her efforts to be the best mother she can be. My mother is, truly, an amazing woman. She is selfless. She is resourceful. She is wise, intelligent, and empathetic. Her ability to know how people are feeling and relate appropriately to their emotions is impressive and even uncanny. Most teens vow never to become like their mother, but I aspire for the opposite: I hope that when I have my own children, the guidance and love of my mother shines through my character.’  ~Courtney Carlstrom, 2010

So Sheri is not an incredible mother in spite of her imperfection. She is an incredible mother, mentor, friend, and wife because she is not perfect and has used that to her very best advantage.

Sheri – we love you and are very proud of you. You deserve every acknowledgement you receive. You are OUR Mother of the Year EVERY year. Love, Kevin

This is a note to any husbands reading this blog entry: (Wives, feel free to show this to your husbands) Mother’s Day is coming. Write your wife a note letting her know why she would have your vote for Mother of the Year. It will be a gift she will cherish.

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Something’s Leaking

Courtney. My oldest child. My first unconditional love. Strong. Confident. Honorable. Beautiful. Intelligent. In many ways, wired so differently than me. This is good. This will serve her well. This also creates some challenging moments. We don’t have the same path. There are many things that we see differently. Sometimes we outright disagree. Sometimes we even send messages back and forth that challenge each other. Even when it doesn’t feel good, I know this is good too. Sometimes I worry. Sometimes I wonder what has and will stick from growing up within our hearts and home.

She has been somewhat pressed lately, and in that pressing things have leaked out. What has seeped out has been good. Its been strong. Its been confident. Its been intelligent. Its been honorable. Its been beautiful. It’s not been easy. I’m so proud of her. I’m not sure if at her age I would have leaked out such a pleasant aroma. I surely would have been not as mature and certainly less wise.

I think this is an encouragement to us parents. What we pour in (good or bad) does take hold. Its good to be aware of, and intentional about, what that is. I’m beginning to see that our kids take what we give them and they work with it and mold it until it fits them.

Good job, my girl. Your mom thinks you’re pretty terrific.
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New Chapters

Its time to report that everything did not change on August 14, 2010.

If I felt everything changed the day she left for kindergarten, then surely everything really would change the day she left for college. The sadness I remember feeling when she left for elementary school surely could not compare to the grief I would feel as she left for college.

I remember the first time it hit me. It was spring break of her junior year. She and I were at the college for a visit. The day was sunny, beautiful and rather exciting. I remember thinking how fun it was to be doing this with her; my parents had not taken me on college visits and I was feeling blessed by the experience.

Then I glanced at her walking beside me and my chest suddenly felt crushed. It came out of nowhere. My throat constricted, my eyes welled up and the first wave of grief crashed into me.
It hit at random times over the sixteen months. The waves came more frequently those last few weeks before the move. One day while on the patio by myself a big one hit out of nowhere. I felt like my heart skipped a few beats and I had a sharp intake of breath, tears sprang to my eyes and I felt consumed as grief washed over me.

With that as my backdrop, I spent little time thinking of the upcoming moving day. The calendar just kept us moving toward it, and then rather quickly it was here. The day we moved her was beautiful; sunny and hot. The college had the whole freshman moving day thing figured out. There was an unmistakable air of excitement. We got almost everything up in one trip, laughed hard as she and I tried to figure out how to make this lofted bed! Even as I helped, I tried to stand back as she figured out where to put her items in her tiny space…so hard for a mom who loves to organize. Then it was time for lunch, then time to meet her lovely roommate and saying a quick hi to her family, off for a Target run, back for last touches and then good-byes.

She was as excited, comfortable, and confident as you could expect. She had dinner plans with Katie, her friend since second grade, and her El Salvador traveling partner. It was good. I was feeling stronger than I expected.

Then her baby sister wrapped her arms around her neck and about broke in two. Oh, oh. Tears sprang to my eyes. . .but grief stayed at bay.

Her 6’2″ brother wrapped his arms around her – practically engulfing her. Pride at these sibling relationships swelled within me. . .and grief stayed at bay.

Even when her dad pulled her in for a hug. . .grief stayed at bay. When I wrapped myself around her I knew in my deepest parts that she would be fine. I was not saying good-bye. I wiped a few tears and knew I was saying hello to this amazingly, wonderful young adult daughter of mine, and new chapters were about to unfold.

I credit God with granting me strength for those moments and the ones that followed. The drive home was quiet for awhile as these siblings took in the new dynamic that would unfold as these three musketeers became the two amigos. It was good for me to be one who was strong and confident in the knowledge that we would all be okay, that indeed we would all be good.

To be sure…I miss her in this house. I miss her in my daily life.I wonder about her more times than I could count in a day. And in all of that, its still good. We parented toward this. She is making friends, being responsible, becoming independent.

Everything did not change, many things did and will. But its kind of like finding out your favorite book didn’t end, there were many more chapters captured in volume two. . .and you just discovered volume two. . .and you cant wait to see where the story goes. . .

(For those of you wondering, yes we have 4 children. We did make some fun arrangements for the youngest to be home where he could experience a successful day and not cause disruption which could have been avoided. Sometimes a mom just has to make decisions like that.)
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