Category Archives: marriage

Valentine’s Day

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I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day – and I don’t even acknowledge Sweetest Day – what the heck is that all about? Hold on, let me Google that…

OK, I’m back – Sweetest Day, began around 1922 was originally intended to bring cheer and happiness to those who were often forgotten – the children in orphanages, the elderly in nursing homes, those stricken with illness. Of course that isn’t what is marketed to us, is it? No…there’s more money in marketing that as a romantic day….but I digress from Valentine’s Day.

As I look at the origins of Valentine’s Day, it’s a similar story in that we have commercialized it and moved it away from it’s roots. In the beginning it was about hand written notes that expressed feelings and emotions. I appreciate the history and enterprising spirit to begin to commercially create Valentine cards, but it’s my feeling that we’ve just gone too far.

Somewhere in the beginning of our marriage I got wind that Kevin was considering sending me roses on Valentine’s Day – it would have cost $80…and we were broke. I told him if he did that, I would be mad. So we made each other cards. I loved that.

Today we could afford the $80 roses, but I still don’t want them; at least not on Valentine’s Day. But $10 fresh flowers that he picks up on his way home – out of the blue – those mean something to me. Even the perfect card from him becomes more meaningful, and personal, when he adds a note. A card left behind when he travels, a date-night planned just for me, unexpectedly speaking words of encouragement into me – these are the things that keep me feeling romantic, not some extravagant gesture on a designated day.

Each year Kevin mentions something about Valentine’s Day, and most years what we do is write each other a note, make a card, or maybe even buy a card. This makes me happy. This year he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner on Thursday (Valentine’s Day), Friday or Saturday. I told him if he wanted to make dinner plans than he should ~ for whatever day he wanted; it honestly didn’t matter which day to me. Later he told me are going on Valentine’s Day to a very nice restaurant. I love the place he chose but we are spending way too much money…because the reservation is on Valentine’s Day. But, for this year, its OK, with him traveling a fair amount, I appreciate any time with him that is dedicated to us – even if it is on Valentine’s Day!

I believe many people feel a lot of pressure to experience something highly romantic on February 14. But I’m pretty sure it’s what you experience the other 364 days of the year that really matter.

(In full disclosure ~ I do give each of my kids a Valentine’s Day treat. I’ve made cookies, heart-shaped pizza, given little boxes of chocolates. I enjoy letting them know that I’m thinking of them with love. And who knows, they may have spouses one day that will expect a little more than me on Valentine’s Day, so at least they’ve been exposed to the traditions of the day!)

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The Weekend Arguement

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Who doesn’t look forward to the weekend? The weekend means breathing a little deeper, sleeping a little later, and if you’re a married mom with young kids, it also means going to the grocery store sans kids.

In our days of car seats, diaper bags and whining, going anywhere without little ones in tow brought refreshment. It meant I could actually think while accomplishing errands, and even listen to big people music while doing it! Also, what would take me hours with my crew on board would take me minutes without them. Some errands I would save for the weekend just so I could go by myself.

As much as I was always looking forward to the weekend, Kevin was also looking forward to the weekend ~ a time of uninterrupted time and focused places where there weren’t littles trailing behind. ‘Finally, time in the garage, time to work on the car, mow the lawn, a trip to Lowes’...or whatever else he had been holding off all week.

I might get a baby down for a nap, make a menu, create a grocery list, find my coupons and grab my purse. When I would call out that I was leaving, suddenly I would learn that Kevin had his own agenda for that time. “Well, I need to go get groceries.” I might say with a huffy breath in a complaining voice. “Well, I need to change the oil”, might come the determined retort. It was different needs, various errands, and clashing expectations that carried us through a few tough years.

In retrospect, it makes sense that we argued each weekend for a few years, we weren’t really using tools, just felt needs. Then I honestly don’t remember where I picked up this tool, it was likely from a speaker at my Mothers of Preschoolers group, but I learned the obvious…we each had a plan for those weekend hours, and neither of us was sharing that plan with the other. We separately made our To Do lists, mapped out the times we would get our own stuff done, but never communicated this plan to each other. Silly, really…verging on stupid, and certainly not very mature. But it was where we were.

One Friday evening after the littles were in bed, we sat at our kitchen table and I said, “What are you hoping to accomplish this weekend.” And he told me the matters on his mind; it was that easy. I then told him what I felt like I needed to get done and a rough estimate of the time segments I would need without kids. We then mapped out our weekend. It was that simple.

We haven’t argued about weekend time since that Friday evening in our tiny kitchen, many, many years ago. Suddenly we were no longer opposing each other in the time without kids game; we had quickly, and easily, become partners.

It seems ridiculous that we felt so defeated all those weekends prior to this strategy. But I believe we were so focused on boldly protecting our own interests (and lists) that we weren’t looking to help each other. Even though it wasn’t working, we just didn’t know how to do it any differently. I’m grateful that we’ve grown in communicating – because really, that’s what it came down to. Well, and trust ~ we had to trust each other to deliver on the time periods we set up on Friday evenings.

Communication and trust – fundamentals (and basic tools) of marriage, yet so easily pushed aside in the stress of every day life. Grateful those tools made it back into our hands so we could make something different.

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How to have a Hard Conversation

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Hard conversations are exactly that – hard. I don’t know anybody who likes initiating or being invited to one…but sometimes they are necessary. If you haven’t had to have a hard conversation than it might be time to question if you’re really in authentic relationships where deep care and concern are a part of the bond. (By the way, if you’re a parent, hard conversations are in the job description.)

I didn’t always have hard conversations, what I used to have were more like reactions, or even eruptions, especially in my role as a mom, and early in my role as a wife. But those kinds of responses didn’t get me anywhere. Well, actually they did…they got me pushed away, I got walls put up in front of me, and I lost my ability to speak into or influence the situation because no one was really listening.

Below are a few things I have learned about having hard conversations ~

1) Don’t react.
A few years ago while away at college my daughter called and began the conversation with this “I have to tell you something and don’t freak out.” So I took a deep breath, sat down and listened. (A practiced response from this mom!) I’ve learned that saying something along the lines of “I need to think about that, process that, or pray about that” are all phrases that allow me to say something in the moment without reacting.

2) Take time to process.
Simply taking a day to think, feel, and think some more about the situation helps.

3) Write down your thoughts.
As I process a situation, I write down my thoughts in a simple bullet type format. This seems to allow some of the deeper thoughts to come forward as some of the more obvious ones move from my head to the paper.

4) Give it a day…or two…or three.
Ever had a conversation reaction right in the moment and then came back a few minutes later and said, “Oh yeah, and one more thing…”? And then came back even the next day and said something along the lines of “Also, I forgot to mention this…..”  I have. It’s not very gratifying to get it ALL off your chest when the other person is rolling their eyes! Taking a day, or two, or even three grants me time to gather ALL my thoughts, write them down and get some order to the strong emotions that occasionally make rational thoughts, words and tones disappear.

5) Pray.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways. Isaiah 55:8
Taking time to pray helps to bring clarity to the heart, or root, of the situation. This helps me drop the spotlight on just the one situation and illuminate the bigger picture. It also gives time for God to reveal what fears I might be experiencing that are displaying themselves in emotions. It allows the Holy Spirit time to show me something I might be missing, reveal truth and grant me grace

6) Bring your thoughts on paper when it’s time to have the hard conversation.
The first time I did this was many years ago on day three of an argument with my husband. I had sought counsel on day two from a wise, more experienced friend and she helped me understand my part in the problem. Though I wasn’t looking to understand how I was contributing to the problem, she cared enough to have a hard conversation with me. She explained the areas in which I was wrong and that I needed to apologize. (WHAT??!!) I prayed about it that afternoon and that evening I approached my husband, unfortunately I blew it. Scattered thoughts and still strong emotions got the best of me (or the worst of me!) and I began arguing with him again (go back and see point 4).

I called my friend again the next day, but this time I wrote down what she said. I prayed about it again and when I approached Kevin once more, I had my points written down and in my hand. The list of what to cover kept my thoughts together, my words focused and my emotions contained. It felt a little awkward to have a script for the conversation with my husband, but in the end there were no raised voices and that argument finally came to a close.

I do this all the time now. When I have a hard conversation, I’m always working from a list, either in my head or in my hand. When it’s with one of my kids, I remind them that when they see I have the paper it shouldn’t scare them, it should comfort them – they know I have thought about this conversation and that I won’t go on, and on, and on, or come back to them over and over adding one more thing. When it’s over, it’s over.

I still don’t like hard conversations, although I’m better at them and more confident now when I enter them. And although I’m not a fan of being on the receiving end of one of these conversations (my still heart races with my natural feeling of defensiveness), here’s the truth ~ I’ve learned much and grown the most when someone cared enough about me to have a hard conversation.

Trustworthy are the bruises of a friend; excessive are the kisses of an enemy.
Proverbs 27:6

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